An old guy called me Sir the other day and I about fell over. What the hell!
Okay, he was probably younger than me (maybe?). I admit I suck at guessing ages, but he was definitely beyond middle-age and had no business showing me old-man respect. Yeah, so my hair is more grey than black these days, and I’m sure my hairstyle is what they call vintage, but that doesn’t mean I’m ready to be put out to pasture (Actually, that doesn’t sound so bad).
I just don’t feel that old. I was talking to my mom about this the other day, and she said she doesn’t feel her age either. I don’t think this is uncommon. According to a (fairly) recent study: Older people tend to feel about 13 years younger than their chronological age.
Okay, that makes sense. So even if this guy was ten years younger than me, I’m thinking he’s older. Not because I’m hung up on age, but because I’m just as deluded as the rest of the old people out there. That (kinda) makes me feel better.
To be honest, I rarely think about age, or how old I am. My wife says I lie about my age all the time, but I really just forget that I had another birthday (or two). And this isn’t a new thing. I was thirty-five for something like five years before I remembered (she reminded me) that I was older.
This thinking I’m younger than I am stuff is too confusing. I think I’ll just come up with my own aging methodology. If I feel younger than I am then I’ll just start using another scale. You know, like human years vs. dog years. They say one year for a dog is like seven for a human, but that’s not quite right. There’s an actual chart and everything. While my wife says I’m a dog sometimes I’d be about 8 if I went by the dog chart. So I decided to look around at the different animal-to-human age comparisons to see which one works better:
- Sheep – 10 — Still a bit young and I’ve not ever been one to follow the herd.
- Pig – 10 — All men are pigs, right? Still too young though.
- Donkey – 17 — While I’ve been known to act like an ass a time or two, it’s still a bit young (Although 17 wouldn’t be bad, I doubt I could pull it off).
- Elephant – 32 — Now that sounds more like it.
So from now on, I’m going to convert my age to Elephant years. It makes sense in a way because the older I get the more round I become (It has nothing to do with the Reese’s Cups), and besides elephants are my wife’s favorite animal.
I’m all set for the next time some fortyish dude calls me Sir. I’ll just give him a look and say, “Yo, I’m thirty-two bro.” Then I’ll stomp past him trumpeting in triumph.